I am moving farther and farther away from
my relationship with myself
like a boat in the distance
growing smaller and smaller on the horizon

and perhaps I cried when I saw
the loved ones up close as
they stood on deck–
those I prayed for
beseeched the God in heaven for
and hearing the call they came–
and I called them mine
my spouse… my child…my spiritual path

and now…
so tiny on the horizon
almost a speck against
the vast blue gray waves
and voluminous white clouds
and me…
alternately burdened and elated by this strange detachment

who am I?
not someone not even something
changing moment to moment
i can play the game and still
enjoy for a while then
it comes back to freedom…no identity
experience…no mind

that is what I want
that is where I am headed

shaking up everything everything in my life

no more the perfect fit life with all the answers
cannot squeeze myself into it now
cannot call on guides and gurus for help
must go with what I know
and that is only me–
this me who is like liquid mercury changing forms, colors

never can hold onto and say
that is it–stop there!
this is who I am

how long before it explodes into existence and blows my cover?

no one to talk to
just this paper these symbols called words
to comfort and clarify me
they can only take me so far
but they are all I have
where is my friend? got to
walk this lonesome valley alone
even though I might know all the friends
soul companions
who travel this same no-road with me–even though
perhaps
all the universe is smiling me along
with unseen hand
I cannot know them now
I refuse to see them though my heart feels them there

just have to go with what I know now–
not the unseen
not the God of my past
past cannot return
it is a fake

how much have I loved?
how much love has been for
safety – validation –  affection – comfort?
this new me that presses to be known
cannot allow any of that kind of love
that is security, not love
it is
fake love

my self trembles with
excitement and fear at the hint
of knowing real love
the props disappear
and the two dimensional life
falls flat

enticed
and not having anything else worth doing I follow
pressing through the veil
the invisible curtain
I have to become
light like
the summer breeze
to pass through and
when I reach the other side
I cannot tell you about it

it has no story no rules
no known
no relationship to anything else

2001